RE: [SPAM]

     Sounds like Vince when he thought the red-head was a virgin so he wanted to stay away (Wedding Crashers). But in the end he found out he really loved her...

     Shit, I have no reason to tell you, but I can't help it now. No, it had nothing to do with my family. It was me and Dan, of course. Also school... I've just been going through some things with him and there are regrets that I have about you. I'm sure you know what I mean. I've been distancing myself from him...we haven't been able to get along well for months. When I try to talk to him about it things get all crazy because he's "always right" about everything. And I'll say something like, well let me do this to help the situation, so we can work it out...but he never offers to work on anything on HIS end. I'm the only one ever compromising. I feel like I keep changing who I am to accommodate him but I've been pressing myself down to do it for too long and it's really affecting me now. It was never like this in the beginning..

       I hear myself as if in the past a lot when I argue with him. It's like echos of you and me. It's like I am who you used to be, and he is me, the always stubborn and difficult one. I remember being so difficult with you at times and so stubborn because that's just how I always argued before, with you. Of course I get that from my dad...but I keep hearing these echos, and I swear, all it makes me think of is this: I am learning things NOW, about how I should have dealt with things in OUR past relationship, with him. I just wonder why I couldn't learn some of these things back then. Part of me wasn't ready, I know that now, and part of me wasn't willing.

      I feel like I'm getting a little older...just learning things that I need to do to make a relationship work. This time, it's me who wants to, but he won't make the effort with me, and I just feel like maybe I've gotten what was coming to me. Or maybe more so, that now it's just time for me to learn how to fix some of the things that I do to make any other relationship I might have actually work out. I just get sad when I think that I need to learn things now, rather than before when I should have and probably could have, but didn't let myself. I get a little angry too and I just can't really talk to anyone about it because I'm too ashamed of the things I did to bring this up with anyone else to actually talk about it. I just can't, so I keep it inside and it just itches and itches and it's like I can't scratch the friggn itch to make it go away. I know you have probably assumed a lot of these things might happen to me...I think about things like that. Makes me cringe at myself. I've truly been very happy until recently. And now all these thoughts are coming back and I just don't know how to deal. I guess it can be as simple as that.

      I can't say how sorry I am that I called you. I didn't want to intrude on your life, I know you've moved on. I'm so very sorry for everything, that I hurt you. Sometimes I feel that I'm really ok, but I have this guilt that never goes away. I don't feel like I could ever even pray it out if I wanted to. I'll admit I've tried a couple times but I just feel stupid. So there went that idea - a long time ago. Something inside me will NOT let it go and I keep beating myself up about it. I almost do it daily. I just keep thinking of how people think I am so nice but they really don't know how horrible of a person I was at one time. I feel ugly because of it. Ugly inside and out. And that feeling just disgusts me and I don't know how to get it to go away. I know I've deserved it but I know there is a point when things just need to move on, and I can't move on from it yet, for whatever reason.

      I'm also kind of scared of telling you these things. Like you'll email him or something to say I'm talking to you. I just can't talk to him about this. He just doesn't understand and brushes me off saying I'm just too sensitive and that I should have forgotten about these things by now. I don't know. But I do feel a little better having typed this out. If you feel like you just can't deal with this babble then by all means, please don't even reply if you don't want to. I will NOT keep emailing you or anything like that, I'll never do that to you. I can totally take a hint. I'm sick of saying sorry, but I am, and I've got the chance to say some of these things for once and I am just letting myself go and saying them. Thank you for giving me the opportunity though, for saying you could talk to me as a friend. I don’t know what else to say...I think I'm kind of drained. I used my outside email just because AHM monitors stuff....I don't want to confuse my personal life with my work life. I need to keep personal emails outside of my work email. I hope you can be as happy as you've always imagined. Just remember what I said about not replying if you don't want to get into talking about anything. Thanks for letting me vent.